Cinnamon patrol

Here's why planning a summer holiday in Europe sucks:

1. There are plenty of cheap package holidays and last minute deals, especially to certain areas of Spain and Portugal. And I'm sure some of them are nice. But have you ever seen those reality TV shows based at Luton where they all head off to Lar-na-kah and get sunburnt, then drunk, then have fist fights, then depraved sexual unions (usually also televised) before vomiting in the pool and calling it a night? And that's on day 1? Yeh, well, do you want to spend your holiday with them?
   
   
2. Once the cheap ones are ruled out (there goes 85%) you are left with the expensive ones. Although the whole world is in recession, no one seems to have told the European tourism industry. It is still fecking expensive. And 4* is a very misleading rating - it may get you a beautiful view of Vesuvius from a cave-like room accessed through a tunnel with twin beds featuring retro bedspreads - where retro means actually from the 70s and not in a cool way. If you can afford 5*, then, as the American's say, good for you, and even then you may be stuck 30kms from nowhere, in which you'll need to hire a car. Which brings me to...
   
   
3. You can of course think the unthinkable and ... not ... take... a ... package. There, I said it. In this case you can forget about booking a hotel directly because (1) either the rack rates are just insane or (2) you can get the exact same hotel on a package and it's always cheaper that way and (3) usually both. This brings you to self-catering accommodation. There are a couple of UK websites which put you in touch with the owners of France's lovingly renovated basement dungeons and piggeries and Spain's many many many many many many apartments...
   
   - You find something perfect, but it's (a) far too expensive or (b) booked out or (c) usually both
   - You find something perfect - and I mean jaw-droppingly beautiful and you get your own cheese cellar - but it's in the middle of nowhere and you'd need to rent a car and drive which is (a) annoying, (b) expensive and (c) generally not relaxing - especially at intersections or when you can't see other cars to remind you which is the correct side of the road.
   - Everywhere in Spain a golf resort, and we couldn't care less about golf.
   - Everywhere in Spain is apartment complexes - see problem (1) above.
   - Everywhere in Portugal is apartment complexes - sorry if I'm repeating myself.
   - Everywhere in Portugal looks like it was decorated by accident when a nearby tile factory exploded.
   - Everywhere in Spain and Portugal has rapaciously extravagant bedspreads, that, in my opinion, are in poor taste.
   - You find something perfect, but it doesn't have a pool, but there's a beach nearby, but it's a stony beach, and although it is possible to swim in it, you don't want to be that tourist, but there are great beaches nearby - only a short 10 minute drive (no car) or a relaxing 3 hour walk downhill (but that's on the way there).
   - You find something perfect but the closest airport is uniquely positioned between two airports that Ryanair does fly to from Dublin. You could fly via Stanstead (annoying + more expensive), you could fly to the nearest airport and rent a car (no) or catch a train then a cable-car, make a short ferry crossing, then a taxi - and taxis are very cheap in Via del Tumour!
   - Most places are just dead ugly (see previous comment about exploding tile factory)
   - Out of desperation you try everyone's last option...
   
   
4. Malta.
   

Labels: david, holiday